I feel like I should be sitting here, it has been over a month since I last blogged.
I also feel myself potentially getting pulled back into the rut that I was in at the end of last year. I truly do not want to get to the point were I feel that I am no longer being effective or useful to the ministry because of the problems that I take upon myself.
In an effort to change the flow, I tried something that I usually don't do: I went to the monthly Women's Ministry Meeting/Service. Let me explain...The Women's Ministry is based around small groups that meet and then come together once a month for a 8am service on the 3rd Saturday of each month. Mind you I'm VERY active in the small group (we're split up by marial status and age group), but when we come to the monthly meeting it falls back into the way things 'used' to be. You know what I mean....It feels so NOT relevant to me and my life considering I was never a part of the old traditional church since my christain walk began 15 years ago in the contemporary/progressive movement.
There are things from 'old church' that I have learned and grown to love (I.E. Hymns, Male Chorus, etc..) but there are things that JUST DON'T MAKE SENSE! The monthly Women's Minisrty Meeting is one of them for me.
My small group was participating in the monthly meeting by hosting purse swap-we bring purses that we are willing to part with and they all get laid out on a table and everyone browses and takes what they like. Whatever is not taken goes to charity. So I came with my purses and some luggage that a friend needed to borrow planning to drop them off and go about my business.
This meeting, the first of the year was being hosted by our Missions & Intercessory prayer groups. Now, I love each of these women individually, but when they get together they develop what I call 'pack mentality.' They turn into a bunch of mean old ladies-people I don't want to normally associate with.
To my surprise, I saw that the keynote speaker was a local psalmist/prophetess that is young, vibrant, real and fresh. So, I changed my plans and sat down for what I hoped would be something uplifting; but if not, I would be there to support the young psalmist/prophetess in what I knew could be a tough crowd.
Needless to say I was in for a surprise (otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it!). The women were a little stiff at first but our speaker has a way of cutting through the bluster and stiffness with humor that I greatly admired. Soon they were hanging on her every word!
Our theme for the service was 'Beginning The Year With Sincere Prayer' pulled from 1st Timothy 2 1:3. This was another reason I stayed, I hoped that the speaker would give me a couple of ideas to put a spark back in my prayer life-I'm determined to get back to where I was and to move forward.
I mentioned before that the speaker was a phrophetess, to me it did not signify-prophets never seem to see anything when they look at me and I had resigned myself to that. I was OK with it.
WELL...when the speaker was nearly done she stopped mid sentence and turned and looked at me. She said "I called you Min. ......"s wife earlier and that's not right. That happens to you all the time, I know. What's your name?"
I told her.
She says, "I know your husband is very talented, but you are too. It's over looked because you prefer to be in the background."
This is true. Before I stopped singing, I was section leader in two choirs & on the praise team, but I never really was out there. You know people like me: dependable, solid, new all the parts and would fill in where needed but were more a part of the background than in front.
She says, "That's gonna change this year. God's pushing you but your pushing back. It's time to step out to the front. It's almost time for your purpose to manifest. Big changes are ahead for you and your family. Stop pushing back and trust God and His paln for you."
Needless to say I was floored: THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME!
My mind starts racing, going back to all the times over the past year that I felt I should be doing more but I didn't want to step on toes or rock the boat. Being a minister's wife (the Minister of Music's wife at that) can be volatile so I always tried to stay in the background and be all things to all people. But the second half of last year I felt that I might have to leave my church to do what I felt I was being called to do.
At that point that I sat myself down for introspection. Was I being selfish? Why was I suddenly so dissatisfied? Should I go? Should I stay? Where would I go if I left? I was getting constant headaches thinking about it. Basically, I just froze, stopped and didn't do anything. I felt that I didn't want to leave my church but I couldn't go on this way. I stared ignoring my unease and tried to find another area to work in. Hospitality, Food Service, Nursery; I went back to those, I had been there before I got so heavily involed in the Music Ministry. It was GOOD but it wasn't RIGHT. So I tried the pew ministry-just come to service and bible study, no ministry being exercised on my part. I was miserable, I couldn't make it through service without falling apart. I was miserable at home too-thought I was suffering from depression.
Anyway, I decided to go back slowly and to keep a 'hands off' attitude because I felt that an oppurtunity would be coming that I didn't want to miss it. Then I started having vocal problems, I was soprano but could sing anything without pain or losing my voice. This reinforced my need to go slow and seek help. I found a doctor at the church who checked me out and gave my chords a clean bill. Just told me to take it easy for a while and to ease back in. He said it's like exercise: you can't suddenly stop for 6 months and expect to return at the same level you left at. Got it....
So I came back to the contemporary choir first about a month ago. I spoke to the director, he understood my need to take it easy but he wanted me to pick up the position of Section Leader again, there was no one able to cover the position while I was gone. I said OK. (Here we go...)
Last week I get a call from the director of the traditional choir. She'd been thinking about me and my desire to give more body to my upper register when I sing. If I come back to the choir she wants to put me in the alto section so that I can strentghen my lower register and bring my chest voice up and blend it with my falsetto (sorry for the technical jargon). I said I'd think about it and get back to her.
Now, I've been singing for almost all my life. I was classically trained and moved to gospel and jazz in college. I have a wide range and have sung all parts; alto, soprano & tenor, but for the last 12 years I've done nothing but gospel and soprano. I felt like I was losing my chops, my ear was getting weak and I had been pigeoned holed. The offer was appealing. There were many pluses and the negatives could be avoided if I stuck to my guns, so on Thursday past I came back to the traditional choir and sat in the alto section (lots of stares-they thought I'd lost my mind or had gotten lost). It was funny but also unnerving: was I getting pulled back into the same place I was before....
We'll see. All I can do is wait, pray & A.S.K. (Matt. 7:7 & 8)
NOW FOR MY....
TOTALLY RANDOM THOUGHT:
Have you ever wanted to do this?
I KNOW I HAVE!!
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